Three strikes and you’re out – love cheats typically have three affairs before they are caught out by their partners, according to a new survey

* It takes an average of four years for adultery to be exposed – most commonly through stray phone messages;

* 86% of people who cheat on their spouses after marriage have already slept with another love before tying the knot;

* Results are from a new survey of 1,000 adulterers by IllicitEncounters.com, the UK’s leading dating site for married people

Most love cheats have three affairs before their cheating is discovered by their partners, according to a new survey.

And it takes an average of four years for their adultery to be exposed – most commonly through their partner reading their phone messages.

The vast majority of people (86%) who cheat on their spouses after marriage have already slept with another lover before tying the knot.

The results are from a new survey of 1,000 adulterers by IllicitEncounters.com, the UK’s leading dating site for married people.

It discovered clear patterns of behaviour suggesting that if a person is unfaithful early on in a relationship they will continue to seek affairs after marriage.

Two-thirds of adulterers (63%) have been caught out by their partners at some point in their marriage.

But this lead to the break-up of the relationship in only 15% of cases.

Most people are prepared to forgive one sexual liaison if other elements of their relationship with their partner are strong.

Cheats tend to be extremely careful not to get caught with a lover straight after they have tied the knot.

Just one in 10 adulterers (11%) were caught during their first affair after matrimony and one in eight (12%) during their second.

The most common time for an affair to be exposed was during the third affair with one in five (21%) saying this was when they were caught out.

The main reason was that adulterers tend to get more brazen the longer they get away with cheating and they are not as careful at covering their tracks.

The most common ways cheats are caught out are – partner reading phone messages (39%), partner reading emails (22%), being caught lying about their whereabouts (20%), being spotted out with a lover (14%), being informed on by a family friend (5%).

IllicitEncounters.com spokesman Christian Grant said: “What this new research shows is that a leopard never changes their spots.

“If your partner is unfaithful to you before tying the knot that pattern of cheating will continue after matrimony.

“Cheats need to be extra careful around the time of their third affair because this is when they are most likely to get caught – probably because they have got over-confident and give too many clues away to their partner who will be getting suspicious.

“It is interesting that an affair leads to a break-up in only 15% of cases.

“Most people are prepared to forgive an affair if the fundamentals of a relationship are strong and we have a lot of members at IllicitEncounters.com who have permission to have affairs because their partner has gone off sex.

“As a nation, we are becoming a lot more like the French who often see an extra-marital affair not as a reason for divorce but the natural reaction to a relationship going stale.”

Every week, around 20,000 people in the UK are having affairs on IllicitEncounters.com.

More than one million people have registered with the site since it started in 2003 and the highest proportion of members are wealthy people in London and the Home Counties.

Top 5 ways affairs are discovered

1 Phone messages to lover discovered by partner (39%)

2 Emails to lover discovered by partner (22%)

3 Caught lying about whereabouts (20%)

4 Being spotted out with lover 14%)

5 informed on by friend of partner (5%)

NOTES TO EDITOR

IllicitEncounters.com is the UK’s leading dating website for married people and the leading authority on infidelity. With over 1,000,000 genuine UK users since 2004, you’re sure to find your perfect match.

Established in 2004, we have been providing a meeting place for like-minded married and attached people for nearly 12 years. Our members have one thing in common – they are all looking for a little romance outside their current relationship. Whether that’s the occasional bit of flirtatious chat, a regular coffee date, or a full-blown affair, that’s up to them.

We’re always more than happy to talk about IllicitEncounters.com – please contact Christian Grant through the details below – but we’re not willing to speak publicly about SaraHartley.net at this moment in time.

Email: presspr@illicitencounters.co.uk

Tel: 020 7729 6098

Twitter: @cheatsafer

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‘I slept with married men when I was hit with a pre-menopausal libido surge so intense I became unhinged if I didn’t get sexual release several times a day:’ extraordinary confession of the middle-aged writer who sought men on an extra-marital dating site

* Karin Jones desired sex many times a day after a ‘tsunami’ of events, including separation from her husband of 23 years;

* Jones, relationships editor at Erotic Review magazine, had a series of affairs with married men who wanted sex but didn’t want to disrupt their family lives;

* She says finding married lovers in London was easy – ‘like walking into a sweet shop with a pocket full of cash.’

* Here she writes about the ‘wonderful’ sex she enjoyed meeting men on IllicitEncounters.com – and how some of her lovers had been given permission by their wives to have affairs.

 

At 49, I experienced a tsunami of disrupting events: I separated from my husband of 23 years, began my slide into pre-menopause, and experienced a libido surge so intense I became unhinged if I didn’t get sexual release several times a day. This kind of horniness happens to some of us midlife women, though it’s not getting talked about much. We’re not told by our doctors to expect aching bouts of desire to accompany our hot flashes in the run-up to menopause. Depending upon one’s circumstances, this surge can be a blessing or a burden. If you have someone who is willing to have sex with you three times a day (or more) you might be fine. If not, you’ll need to get creative.  

 

I went through this experience, which lasted over a year, when I lived in the UK. I didn’t want a relationship; I was too wrapped up with grieving my marriage and taking care of my young son. But my body wasn’t letting me off the hook when it came to sex. Fortunately, I lived near London. Finding men to have sex with was like walking into a sweet shop with a pocket full of cash. I set up profiles on Tinder and OKCupid, but as a woman wanting only casual sex, the sheer volume of questionable men on those sites was intimidating. The website that offered me the clearest route to my no-strings requirements was IllicitEncounters.com, a dating site for married people.

 

Unlike other dating websites, I found a “cheaters” site to be populated by men who were more straightforward and unselfconscious about their intent. It was understood that this was about sex, not finding a relationship. It was about companionship for only a few hours. It was almost universally about experiencing a level of intimacy we weren’t getting at home. But all the men I encountered there insisted they didn’t want to disrupt their family lives.

 

Anyone on a site like IllicitEncounters is there because they don’t want to be condemned for seeking out what they need; sex. And anyone who insists we can live without sex is welcome to do so. But I can’t do it. Clearly, a lot of us can’t. Whether we can be honest with our spouses about sex is everyone’s own decision.

 

I learned that dating sites for married people were places to interact with potential partners without the harassment and judgement they received on other sites from those who view the issue of infidelity as black and white. I see the many shades of grey around the topic. And because I was so randy, I couldn’t imagine trying to jump through the hoops of another person’s apprehensions, had I been married. Even so, after I accepted a man’s request for a conversation, I vetted each one to be sure they were still committed to their marriage, even if that commitment didn’t include sexual monogamy. I accepted that by sleeping with me they could be putting their marriage at risk. But I was fairly clear-headed with my choices. I only slept with men who told me they loved their wives and were certainly not about to leave them for me. They almost always said they wanted to have sex with their wives, but their wives wouldn’t have sex with them.

 

What I found about dating married men was how edifying our conversations were around why we were doing what we were doing. They weren’t afraid to talk to me about the reasons they were in my bed instead of their own. I pressed them to explain why they weren’t having this conversation with their wives. Most had tried – many times. But it’s such a painful thing to discuss; why a spouse is no longer interested in sex. It became a topic of silence. Which led to hurt, sorrow and even resentment. Which led to IllicitEncounters.

 

One of my most memorable married lovers lived in the Middle East. He described his wife as lovely and beautiful. They had two teen children and he worked as an engineer in the oil industry. He was Oxford educated, articulate with a sonorous voice. He measured the weight of his words and told me the story of his desires. He wanted to explore kink, group sex, bondage.

 

“Does your wife know how you feel?” I asked over the phone before we met.

 

“Yes.” he said. “She even tried some of these things with me. I was so grateful to her for trying. But she’s not comfortable with it. It’s simply not possible for her to enjoy the kind of sex I do.”

 

“Does your wife know you are looking for this outside your marriage?”

 

“We don’t talk about it.” was all he said. And I didn’t press for more.

 

He flew to London for business and we met at a cafe. He was a beautiful, dark-skinned man who was as gentle-looking as his words. Desire wafted between us like the steam coming off our hot drinks. Back in my flat, we propped the full-length mirror against the wall and watched ourselves having sex; his cocoa body against my ivory.

 

What’s was so wonderful about having sex with an unavailable man was the way it took me out of my thinking head and put me squarely in the moment. Without the possibility of our coupling leading to anything that required attention or emotion, I was able to experience the simple pleasure of the act. Sex that was not fraught by an earlier argument, a difficult child or the shared burdens of the domestic upkeep. Just a few hours of unencumbered, uncomplicated bliss. It’s no wonder married women are on these sites as well.

 

Women, though, have more to lose if found out. We women are still judged more harshly for transgressions against our culture. But a lot of us are out to change that. I say women are in more need than men for an escape valve from the constant requests for our attentions. We care for other people’s needs too much, spend a large chunk of our lives with small humans hanging off our bodies, don’t get enough help around the house (and often find it hard to ask for help). A clandestine affair, I imagine, is easy for a woman to justify. Why not find someone to ravish her? Give her pleasure without expectations. Remind her of her appeal as a sexual being, not simply a mother or a wife.

 

Infidelity is not going away. If anything, it will become more prevalent with so many ways to seek relationships online and sites such as IllicitEncounters. What I think we need to do is not disparage the adulterers. We need to talk about the issues around adultery. My experience tells me the asymmetrical desire for sex is at the root of most cheating. It will take courage and patience to have a conversation about this. But surely that’s easier, in the long run, than divorce and breaking up the family.

NOTES TO EDITOR

IllicitEncounters.com is the UK’s leading dating website for married people and the leading authority on infidelity. With over 1,000,000 genuine UK users since 2004, you’re sure to find your perfect match.

Established in 2004, we have been providing a meeting place for like-minded married and attached people for nearly 12 years. Our members have one thing in common – they are all looking for a little romance outside their current relationship. Whether that’s the occasional bit of flirtatious chat, a regular coffee date, or a full-blown affair, that’s up to them.

We’re always more than happy to talk about IllicitEncounters.com – please contact Christian Grant through the details below – but we’re not willing to speak publicly about SaraHartley.net at this moment in time.

Email: presspr@illicitencounters.co.uk

Tel: 020 7729 6098

Twitter: @cheatsafer